How to learn French.
Step 1
Grow up as a third generation migrant. Whenever the grandparents call or visit, observe the adults speaking French. Aside from reciting nursery rhymes, do not, under any circumstances, grasp this language for at least another 20 years. You’re just a kid. It’s the adults who speak French.
Step 2
Travel to Europe with mates. Get lost in Caen. You’re looking for a venue to see your favourite band play. You know how to say “where is…”. You don’t understand the responses. Miraculously, you make it to the venue in time for the show. Your friends dub you “Frenchie”. You know you don’t deserve it.
Step 3
Talk to your dog in French. He’s obediently enthusiastic about your attempts. You don’t have the courage to talk to people yet.
Step 4
Practice every day with an abusive owl. You’re still not ready for humans.
Step 5
Enrol in a 3 week French intensive at the ripe old age of 35.
Step 6
Swallow your pride. You’re a mature age student in a room of budding young uni students. Sit quietly. You’re learning more than you can compute. Write everything down. You have the vocabulary of a toddler with the life experience of a post-pandemic, pre mid-life crisis adult. You want to talk about love, life, music, mortality, work, worth, sociology, and Stromae; but the best you can do is “I ate some cheese today and it was good”. Maybe that mid-life crisis is already setting in.
Step 7
Enrol in another short course. And another. Realise that something remarkable happens when you sit in the discomfort of learning. It ignites your confidence. By allowing yourself to stumble, you’ve stopped waiting to be fluent before you speak.
Step 8
Feel how deeply language, culture and identity are intrinsically connected. Certain phrases roll off the tongue and spark early childhood memories. This language has always been a part of you.
Step 9
Talk to your dad in French while making a cup of tea. Your pronunciation is off. You’re not conjugating the verbs correctly. You don’t know the gender of a kettle. But you’re speaking French because that’s what the adults do. Dad’s beaming with pride. You’re all grown up now.
