How to clean a bike.
Step 1
Get your bike really dirty. Do it in a day. Ride on dirt tracks. Ride in the rain. Stack it on gravel. Get up. Dust yourself off. Ride through puddles. Be the kid in gumboots jumping in mud. Small pleasures.
Step 2
Line up your cleaning products. You need a bucket. Some soapy water. A soft brush. A cloth rag. Paper towels. Some chain lube. If you’re nerding out: some protective oil spray and a chain pig.
Step 3
Flip your bike upside down. Do this awkwardly. Drop it. Pick it up. Balance it on its saddle and handlebars. Spin one of the wheels in celebration.
Step 4
Fill the bucket with water and dunk your soft brush in there. Brush away the grubbiness. As the dirt falls and the bike starts to shimmer, remember how much fun you had getting it dirty in the first place.
Step 5
Clean the chain. This is where our chain pig comes in handy. Drop some detergent into the swine. Attach that hog to the chain and spin the pedal. Watch it gobble up the grease like a truffle pig. If you are pork-free at present, take the whole chain off and stare at your greasy hands in horror. Then scrub the chain in soapy water. Scrub the gears. And reattach the chain with the mortal fear that your next bike ride may end in doom. It won’t. You’ll be fine.
Step 6
Apply soapy water to every inch of the bike. You can make your own spray or add a small amount of dish soap to the bucket. Either way, you want to see some soap suds. It’s not quite rubber-duckie-youre-the-one levels of bath time, but it's close. Sing out loud.
Step 7
Rinse it off with clean water. Fill the bucket. Throw water at it. Accidentally get water all over your feet.
Step 8
Step away. Let it dry on its own. You’ve achieved so much. You deserve an intermission.
Step 9
Cover your brakes with paper towels. Create cute little paper circles over your disc brakes. Or fun little nuggets over your rim brakes.
Step 10
Spray your bike with protective oil. It smells brand new. Rejoice in it. Avoid the tyres. Avoid the brakes. Accidentally spray the tyres and the brakes.
Step 11
Have another intermission. Let the oil do its thing. Feel unreasonably proud of yourself.
Step 12
Remove the paper towels. Use them to wipe down all the areas you missed. There’s a lot.
Step 13
Oil the chain. Turn the pedal and gently drop oil on each chain link as it spins. Lose track of whether you’ve completed a full rotation.
Step 14
Flip it over and upright. Notice more areas you missed. Wipe these down.
Step 15
Admire the bike as it glistens on this sunny day. Perfect day for a ride. Go around the block. Notice how smooth the chain feels. Ride through a puddle, over gravel, and through crunchy leaves. Ride home. Look lovingly at your almost clean bike.
