How to get a working with children check.
Step 1
Put this off for as long as humanly possible.
Step 2
Find the form. It claims to take 15 minutes. Maybe for one of those wheres-my-passport people, but you’re extremely organised and you know how to design and build forms, let alone fill one out. You can beat the odds.
Step 3
Fill out the form until the system says to switch browsers. Open Safari. Fill out the form again. You're losing time with a deadline that you made up.
Step 4
Take a professional photo of yourself. This requires a plain background. You have lots of art prints on the walls, including a screen print of Cookie Monster with a detached, screaming hand reaching for his cookie. That just won’t do. The best spot is by the window, at the top of the stairs. It has excellent lighting and a plain wall. Put on some lipstick. Crouch near the patch of white wall. Look alive. Click. Nailed it.
Step 5
Act mildly deflated. There was an error. The image recognition software reckons your curls are a background pattern. But your curls are not a background pattern. Your curls are big, bold, beautiful, and they do not quit. You hope to pass on these curls to a child of your own some day. Because your curls are heritage. Your curls are freedom. Your curls are zen. You are zen. Breathe. Take another photo.
Step 6
Repeat Step 5 three more times as those zen levels rapidly deplete.
Step 7
Ignore everything the helper text is telling you. Forget about looking good. We just need to get through this step. Success! This photo is accepted. And it makes you look like a menace to society. Speaking of terrible photos, it’s passport time…
Step 8
Grab your passport. Upload. Get your driver’s license. Upload. Reflect on each portrait and what it says about you at different stages of your life. My how you’ve changed over the years. The ‘You’ today can handle anything.
Step 9
Wait. Every part of your identity is being processed. Your bizarre name. Your birth place. Your job title. Your location. Your eyes. Your hair. This is what people see at surface level.
Step 10
Stop. Take solace. The form is complete. You've arrived at a confirmation page. Through the act of form-filling, you are officially safe to be around children. More than that… anybody is allowed to have a baby yet only the patient, persistent, and adaptable can get a working with children check. You really did beat those odds. You are a miracle.
